SURGE #100

 

SURGE #100

Written by Craig DeBoard

Cover Art by CD and AE

"What the fuck is this?"

"A sit down. Interview. Whatever you want to call it."

"I thought this was going to be a comic book?"

"I don't work in comic books anymore."

"Webcomics?"

"Gave up on those too."

"Why?"

"No one cared. It's why I started writing novels."

"You do better business with those?"

"Not really. But they allow me to tell more story and get things sorted out faster than having to draw everything."

"Makes sense I guess. Where are we?"

"It's called The Room."

"I don't see any room. All I see are these words."

"Try using your imagination."

"Whatever. Your story. Gonna tell it anyway you want, I guess."

"So you know who I am?"

"You're that asshole comic book artist who created me, aren't you?"

"I suppose you could call me that. But I would prefer to be called that asshole who helps you sort things out like I'm doing."

"You can just call me Surge."

"Whatever. Your story. Gonna tell it anyway you want, I guess."

"Very fucking funny."

"I really am here to help you."

"Kind of hard to tell, all the shit you've put me through since issue #1."

"It would be a boring story if I didn't, right?"

"Well, I mean, you aren't wrong. But fuck man, now everyone is dead."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, I mean, yeah, I think so?"

"You can think or you can know."

"I see. You want me to be certain?"

"What I want is so much more than that."

"Not compared to what I want!'

"Easy, big guy. No need to get worked up. Here. Have some coffee. You like it black?"

"Sugar please."

"I would have said the same myself. Stuff can be bitter without it."

"Thank you."

"That's something I never would have thought I'd hear from you."

"What? Thank you?"

"Yes. I mean, you hate me pretty bad."

"Well damn, look at all the shit you've put me through."

"We already discussed that."

"Oh yeah. I guess it would be a boring story if you hadn't."

"See. Common ground. That's how we learn to compromise and move forward with things."

"Good, we agree, can I leave now?'

"I mean, I guess you can. But there are unresolved issues."

"Like what?"

"Well there's at least 97 of them."

"That's an oddly specific number?"

"Well, we already covered some of them in issue #1, issue #2, and issue #99.

"Oh! I see what you did there. Fine. What do you want to know about?"

"It's not about what I want to know about. I'm here to tell your story. Not live it for you."

"Hmmm? I suppose you have a point."

"I used to put it to paper and write with it."

"I don't follow?"

"The point. As in the point of a pencil. Nevermind. Bad joke."

"I get it. So you want me to tell you about my life so you can write it for me?"

"That's my job, yes."

"Seems kinda fucked up."

"Trust me, I didn't ask for the position."

"Really?"

"No."

"Then how did you end up with it?"

"I had told a few of your stories. I was content. Comfortable. Moving on with my life. Others insisted I tell more without considering what I wanted for my own life. I actually enjoy landscape painting and photography more. Traveling is fun too."

"Well why didn't you just tell them to fuck off?"

"Believe me, today I would. They all pretty much left me for dead with no support. Had I known it would have gone the way it had we wouldn't be having this conversation. You would be happily living your life in Nerin Toth with Snow. And yet, here we are, trying to cram 97 stories into one small conversation to appease a group of people who likely won't even read any of this."

"Landscape paintings? Travel? Sounds like a lonely life."

"It is."

"You don't have anyone?"

"I used to. It was special. Like what you had with Snow."

"Where is she?"

"Who Snow?"

"WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?!"

"Relax. She's safe. They all are."

"Fix this now!"

"As soon as we tell these stupid stories so I can go back to living my life."

"Oh!"

"Oh what?"

"That's what this is. Your life was disrupted by other people and in turn you've disrupted my life."

"Believe me, if I didn't have to write this and could just be enjoying my life I would."

"Why not just say no?"

"Because I thought I could. I genuinely thought I could do it. But you know how it is."

"Elaborate."

"I guess it's just one of those things. You want coffee?"

"Yes, thank you."

"I guess its just a matter of following things through. I told people I would write one hundred issues and I mean to see it through."

"And so you're cheating? Thank you. Is this Columbian blend?"

"It's good, isn't it? Do you like creamer?"

"Yeah, I'll take some?"

"Peppermint or French Vanilla?"

"Peppermint please."

"I wouldn't call it cheating. I mean, It is my story--or our story, right? As you said, I can tell it anyway I want to."

"I suppose that's fair. Thank you. Mind if I have one of those cookies?"

"Help yourself."

"So basically we tell one hundred issues and I can leave?"

"Yes. No more fight between us. I go back to living my life. You go back to living yours."

"And Snow?"

"It's only October."

"I mean my girlfriend you asshole. Snow Whitney."

"Oh yeah. She's fine. She'll be there. I know what it's like to lose the love of your life. I won't take that away from you."

"I'll kill you right fucking now if you think about it."

"Easy big guy. Like I said, I know that feeling of loss. No one else cared when I went through it. I'm not going to do that to you. I couldn't do that to anybody. It hurts too much."

"Thank you."

"For?"

"For understanding that."

"Look, hold on. You mind if I smoke?"

"You shouldn't."

"You're right. But consider it my fuck you to people who demanded I write this and fuck up your existence more than it already was. They hate that I smoked. Fucking hated it more than they hated people for doing truly evil things."

"Well shit. I'll smoke one too then. Sounds like they fucked us both over."

"That's my point. I was fine. You were fine. But they couldn't just leave well enough alone and mind their own business."

"Got a light."

"Here."

"Thanks."

"So issue #3?"

"Huh?"

"Look, we got 97 stories to figure out in a very short time, because the few who do read this aren't going to read it all if we just throw bullshit out there."

"Makes sense. So what do you mean by issue #3?"

"I mean what happened?"

"Well, let me think. There is the big story that never seems to go away."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, the one where I fucked a monkey."

"Oh, you mean King Konnie?"

"Yeah."

"Well, she's not a monkey. She's an 80-foot tall orangutan."

"Hey, you write the shit. I can't help that people took it that way!"

"I didn't mean for them to think you fucked a monkey. I meant for them to think your DNA was combined with hers to produce offspring."

"Great band."

"Huh?"

"Offspring. Great band."

"You like Offspring too?"

"Fuck yeah man!"

"Okay so in issue #3 we combined the DNA."

"Technically that's issue #1. It was mentioned in the origin story."

"That's true. We'll call issue #3 a flashback."

"Done deal."

"And issue #4?"

"Well that would probably be when me and Konnie parted ways and what caused Jennifer to divorce me."

"You mean Arctic, my ex-wife? Sorry about that. I had to make it make sense, her thinking you had an affair with Konnie."

"Well, she believed it. And now she hates any woman who is with me."

"Hated."

"Huh?"

"She used to. She and Snow became one person in Grimm, Indiana: Reality's Edge, remember? Arctic's soul went into Snow's body, like Chris Rook's soul went into my body."

"Fair point. Is there more?

"Another flashback, maybe with the Goldie Surge, my goldfish sidekick."

"Like a team-up?"

"Yes."

"Works for me. And issue #5?"

"We really gotta do 97 of these?"

"Yep."

"Fuck."

"I know."

"I guess #5 would be a flashback too, back to when I was part of Super Justice Revengers."

"But we made them villains in issue #1. We have to make that make sense."

"The ones in #1 were the second incarnation of the group?"

"That works. You know, there's some geek out here pissed off that we used that name?"

"What, Super Justice Revengers?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, you wrote it man."

"That's true. Okay so issue #6?"

"Well who else did we mention in issue #1?"

"Let's see, there's Painmaker and Chen Tai still,"

"There you go. I fought one in issue #6 and one in issue #7."

"Which one in which one?"

"Man, I don't give a fuck. You choose!"

"Fair enough. Hey, did you know Chris Jericho started using the name Painmaker?"

"Yeah. I saw that. When he worked over in Japan."

"Lame."

"Right?!"

"It's like, come on man, come up with your own shit!"

"I know! Don't get me started about Todd McFarlane lifting shit outta issue #1."

"That's Canadians for ya, American Lite!"

"Ha! Good one!"

"Okay, so issue #8?"

"What do you think would be good?"

"I was gonna do a story of you in jail once."

"You're such a dick!"

"Sorry man."

"Fuck it, it works. In issue #8 I went to jail, in issue #9 I fought someone in jail--"

"And in issue #10 was THE TRIAL OF SURGE where you get set free?"

"Nah, let's ride this one out. I don't get set free, I escape and we have me as a fugitive, Harrison Ford style, until issue #12 where my name finally gets cleared."

"Brilliant!"

"Thanks."

"We should have been writing this together all along!"

"Yeah, but you know how it is."

"Right? Long-term storytelling."

"The lemmings can't get enough of it."

"Okay so issue #13?"

"It's lucky number 13. Maybe a Halloween issue?" 

"Like this one?"

"Sure."

"Okay, so who did you battle in it?"

"Man, I don't know, fucking Dracula or some shit."

"Works for me! And issue #14?"

"Let's say I fought Deadpool."

"Deadpool from Marvel?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"What about copyright infringement?"

"Fuck 'em. They aren't gonna read this shit anyways."

"Fair point."

"And besides, I'd kick Deadpool's ass."

"That is true. His ass is very kickable."

"Somewhere Ryan Reynolds is crying."

"Probably after he cums."

"You should definitely include that. Deadpool breaks that fourth wall all the time."

"For sure. Okay and issue #15?"

"What about a cape?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean a cape. Give me a cape!"

"Like permanently?"

"Hell no! I mean like, make the government have me try it or some shit. I don't know. You said we have 97 of these to do to make it an even 100. I'm just throwing shit out there."

"A cape it is! What a caper!"

"I try to be original."

"Oooh, that reminds me, we should do an issue about A.I."

"Like the Super Surge thing in issue #99?"

"Yeah. We'll make A.I. the origin of Super Surge. Like a foreshadowing thing."

"Sounds good."

"Okay, well, that's 15 and 16. Tell me about issue #17."

"You mean that time I had to fight my evil clone?"

"There we go! Man. These nerds are going to hate us for this."

"Fuck 'em. They're elitist jerks anyways."

"You said it, not me. I still want to be able to sell paintings."

"Hey, if it gets me through this, then it is what it is."

"You know everyone is going to be mad this isn't an actual comic book, right?"

"Yeah, but like you said, they aren't buying your other shit, so who cares?"

"I did a punk rock 'zine once called Who Cares?!. Is that punctuation right?"

"I dunno. You're the writer. Or artist. Or whatever you are."

"We'll say it is."

"We could do an issue of me in a punk rock band?"

"Okay, but we have to name the band."

"Call us Blue Man Group."

"Can't, already taken."

"Moody Blues?"

"Also taken."

"What about Blue Brigade? After that Rob Liefeld book?"

"That works. Ya know I met Marat Michaels once?"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Great guy."

"Okay, that's #17 and #18."

"We really have to do 97?"

"Believe me, I don't want to either."

"What about a storyline that spans multiple issues so we can get this over with?"

"Okay, but it has to be good or it won't make sense."

"Hmmm? I got it. We have a Martian attack!"

"Those Image guys did that in Savage Dragon."

"So? They ripped off all sorts of your shit. And it's not like they own Mars. Elon Musk does."

"That's a fair point. How far do we stretch it out?"

"Let's make it a six issue story arc culminating in issue #25."

"Works for me."

"Issue #26?"

"Issues #26 and #27 are me traveling back to Earth."

"You're really good at this. I should have had you do this all along so I could actually enjoy my life."

"Well, I mean, that's sort of on you. You wrote me doing all sorts of other stupid shit."

"Touche'."

"And how about issue #28 is me fighting another villain?"

"Hippoman?"

"Hippoman?"

"Yeah, he was a character I was going to introduce once but never got to because I got wrapped up doing all of his other dumb shit that people thought was best for my life."

"Fuck it, I'll fight him."

"Fought him."

"Whatever."

"And issue #29?"

"Another six parter?"

"We can do that, but if they're going to be stories that span multiple issues they have to be a really big deal."

"Okay, how about the return of Annabelle?"

"And her zombies?"

"Yeah."

"We can do that. I actually had plans for another story for her."

"What were they?"

"She was gonna marry John Boy."

"The guy with the intestine hanging out of his mouth?"

"Yeah."

"That's so gross."

"Hey, you did it to him. Remember? Also in Grimm, Indiana: Reality's Edge?"

"Oh yeah."

"Okay that takes us up to issue #35. What's next?"

"More coffee?"

"Sounds good."

"You know, you're gonna have to really be creative to make this all make sense."

"It will. I have something really cool planned for DragonDark."

"What's DragonDark?"

"It's the book series that tells the story of the world of Nerin Toth that you're in."

"Oh! I didn't know there was a title for that world. I didn't know how any of this worked actually until today."

"Here you go."

"Thanks."

"Where were we?"

"Umm, we're up to issue #36 I think."

"What about a four part story. Get us up to issue #40?"

"Sounds good. What do you have in mind?"

"How about a team-up. I always wanted to write a team up with Nik Havert's Rocket Girl series."

"Oh, she's hot."

"Yeah, but he has this whole other thing planned with his character Fire Chief."

"That's fine. As long as this gets me back to Snow, I'll team up with whoever you want."

"Okay and issue #41?"

"Oooh! I have an idea! What if we do a time travel story?"

"I guess. I really don't like time travel stories though."

"No?"

"I mean they're cool, but none will ever be as good as Back to the Future, ya know?"

"That's true."

"What were you thinking?"

"Like, I travel back to the old west and we have this exact same conversation but as cowboys."

"That's--well--that's actually pretty good."

"Thank you."

"And in issue #42?"

"Oh, that is issue #42. #43 and #44 also."

"Hmmm? Sounds like you're trying to cheat your way though this. Make it make sense.'

"I don't know, what if we include Jose Fuentes' Dark Redemption? Like it all happens in the same old west town?"

"I actually like that. He wouldn't. But I do. And issue #45?"

"Maybe a battle with Painmaker?"

"We did that already."

"Yeah, but in order for it to be a proper rogues gallery there have to be recurring villains, right?"

"That's true. Done deal. Painmaker. Issue #45. And #46?"

"Let's do Chen Tai again too."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. See if anyone catches on and notices."

"That's hilarious!"

"I try my best."

"And issue #47?"

"I'm not sure, what do you think?"

"Maybe a three parter that has a big finale in issue #50?"

"Well, at least it gets us half way there. What were you thinking?"

"This is your story, Surge. You tell me. I'm just writing it."

"Oh yeah? What about something with Snow?"

"She means a lot to you, doesn't she?"

"She's everything to me."

"I know that feeling. Okay. So what happened with Snow?"

"We went to her hometown of Camelot."

"What happened?"

"I met Pierce Charming there. I found out they had a past."

"That's harsh."

"Yeah."

"What else happened?"

"He turned out to not be the guy she thought he was. We fought. I beat the shit out of him."

"And your relationship with Snow?"

"It wasn't the same until recently. We parted ways actually."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I had a lot to learn and so did she."

"Let's change the subject. I can see this is uncomfortable for you to talk about. What happens in issue #51?"

"I don't know. I fought Painmaker again, I guess."

"That soon?"

"Yeah, whatever."

"Hmmm? And issue #52?"

"Chen Tai?"

"No, someone else."

"Why does it have to be someone else? Can't we just get this over with?"

"It has to make sense!"

"Fine. Can I have more coffee? Let's say King Konnie has a solo issue without me even being in it."

"Interesting. Who does she battle?"

"Well, it would have to be someone big like her. Maybe The Giant Sheep?"

"The Giant Sheep?" 

"Yeah. He's a giant sheep."

"What does he do?"

"What sheep do. But he's a giant. And he and King Konnie don't like each other. So they got into this big fight over New York City until she threw him into the Hudson."

"Tell me more about this giant sheep."

"There is nothing else to tell. He's just a giant sheep."

"That's so stupid."

"Hey, don't blame me, you're the writer."

"That's fair. Okay, issue #53?"

"I got into a fight once with the bathroom door."

"What?!"

"I got locked in the bathroom. Couldn't get out."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. It's just an origin re-telling for new readers."

"That works. And is just fucked up too. Bathrooms lock from the inside."

"Don't remind me. I feel stupid enough over it as it is."

"That's fucking funny."

"Shut up."

"Sorry. Okay, issue #54?"

"That was a Christmas issue."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I was Santa Surge. Delivered presents to kids and fought a pack of wild rabid reigndeer. Eight of them."

"Any elves involved?"

"No, just reigndeer."

"Any glowing noses?"

"Now you're just being stupid about it."

"Sorry. Okay and issue #55?"

"Chen Tai?"

"Sure. Now we can do Chen Tai again."

"Why couldn't we before?"

"We don't want to be obvious about repeating storylines. We aren't DC Comics after all."

"That makes sense."

"And issue #56?"

"#56 through #60 were my battles against The Faceless Man."

"Oh yeah! I forgot about him!"

"Yeah, the dude with a hole through his face. He thinks I'm a villain for some reason."

"Anything in particular about those battles?"

"Not really. Although he did finally figure out I wasn't a villain in the end. He works at Walmart now as a greeter."

"It's an honest living. And issue #61?"

"I fought Gunslinger."

"You mean from Spawn?"

"No, the original Gunslinger."

"He hasn't been mentioned since issue #1. Good choice."

"Thanks."

"And issue #62?"

"I don't know. I'm tired of this."

"Imagine my life. People expect 100 of these, and then don't even bother reading the ones I already wrote."

"That must be hard."

"It used to be. I'm just trying to get through it at this point. It's why you and Snow were at peace for so long. I was good. I was happy. And for whatever reason other people thought they knew best for me and that I wanted to do all of these stories. And now they don't even talk to me. Or read them."

"That sounds really hard."

"See why I just want to get through this and move on to finishing DragonDark so I can just be done and enjoy my life and work on new projects?"

"Yes. I actually do now. I understand you a lot better. I thought you were interfering in my life all this time and you were actually just trying to get me through things so we could both live in peace."

"I don't hate you Surge. You're my creation. I love you. I just had to make it interesting."

"You love me?"

"Look, don't make it gay."

"I'm not. I'm just surprised to hear you say that. I actually appreciate it. I wouldn't be here without you. I wouldn't have Snow. Can we keep her around? Please?"

"She'll always be with you. Let's move on, okay. Issue #63?"

"Do you mind if we speed this up with another six parter?"

"Have it conclude at #69?"

"Of course! Best number ever!"

"Works for me! What did you have in mind?"

"I used to watch this show called Outlaw Wrestling Pro. Maybe I was a wrestler in it?"

"We can do that. But we can't put a belt on you. The wrestlers work hard for those."

"That's fine. As long as it gets us through this."

"Done deal. You were in a tournament and lost in the end."

"Well that sounds disappointing."

"It happened Rocky one style. You got the girl in the end."

"But it wasn't Snow."

"I'm sorry, no. Not yet. She still had things to learn about herself."

"Let's get this done. I want to see her again."

"Fair enough. Tell me what happened in issue #70."

"That was another time travel story that lasted until #75, and oddly enough, back to the 70s while I was Disco Surge."

"Disco Surge?!"

"Hey, you wrote it! I'm just here doing my job!"

"Fine. But we never talk about that time period again."

"Agreed."

"Ok, and issue #76?"

"The last Painmaker story?"

"The last one?"

"I mean for now, until you decide to do something with him again."

"I probably won't, but he is a recurring villain. Okay, so that's the end of Painmaker for now. Issue #77?"

"That was the beginning of a three part story that led up to issue #80, when I got super fat."

"What?!" 

"Yeah. I put on a bunch of weight because I got laid off from work and just sat around playing video games and eating junk food. I had to end up fighting Stickman, which was awkward because everyone has a villain called Stickman and he didn't know who I was."

"That is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard of. It's great!"

"It was horrible. So much sweat."

"You want more coffee?"

"I'll have one more, then I should probably be going."

"Sounds good. And issue #81?"

"That was a throwback issue to when I was training with the government as Army Surge."

"I remember that. Those camo pants were badass!"

"They really were."

"And issue #82?"

"That was the last time I ever saw Chen Tai. He and Gunslinger teamed up and we fought out in Los Angeles."

"Anything significant happen?"

"Not really. Gunslinger was arrested, and Chen Tai ended up disappearing in the ocean."

"He reappeared in Surge 99."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it was a story about Black Cheetah and Amazing Grace."

"I haven't read it yet."

"It's okay. Not my best work. Was one of those just trying to get it done type of things."

"I'll be sure to check it out."

"Thanks. And what happened in issue #83?"

"I was the best man at King Konnie's wedding."

"Wait. What?!"

"Yeah, she married John Boy."

"The guy with the intestine hanging out of his mouth?"

"Yeah. He and Annabelle split up and he hooked up with Konnie. They have their own morning talk show now."

"That is just fucked up."

"Wasn't my idea. You're the writer."

"That's true. And issue #84?"

"Let's say it was another six parter. Me battling the Super Justice Revengers again."

"That works, but you said things were fine between you and The Faceless Man?"

"They are. He was replaced on the team by Blockhead."

"Blockhead?"

"Yeah, he's this guy that's made out of cement. Hits like a fucking brick too. Chipped this tooth right here. See?"

"Yeesh. You should see a dentist about it."

"When I have time. Right now I'm concerned about getting back to Snow."

"Wait. I get it. Chip off the old block. That's funny."

"I can see why you're sick of writing this shit."

"Thanks. And issue #90?" 

"That was when I finally moved to Grimm, Indiana."

"Oh, so it all comes full circle."

"That's how we fix the timeline right?"

"I suppose so. Who did you battle in #90?"

"No one. It was pretty much just an issue of me and Black Cheetah trying to move a couch through a doorway."

"I hate having to do that. The other guy never listens!"

"I know!"

"And issue #91?"

"That was a four parter that led to issue #95 actually."

"It was?"

"Yeah. Black Cheetah and I went into the dream world to track down Annabelle who was giving the entire town nightmares."

"That's really freaky."

"Well this is a Halloween issue, right?"

"I suppose it is. And issue #96?"

"Black Cheetah and I were sent by Zeus to track down Hades and instead ended up in a bar fight fighting these guys on motorcycles."

"Nothing better than having that one who has your back."

"We got drunk as hell that night."

"And issue #97?"

"I teamed up with Dart. You know, Hermes, the god of speed. We had to hunt down this gang of thugs called the dragons. Turned out to be seven midgets who knew Snow."

"Sounds like a short story."

"Ha! Good one!"

"Thanks and here we are. Issue #98. With it and all of the other stories already told, it's a total of 100. Maybe 101. I'll have to go back and recount. Tell me what happened in #98?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"We have to."

"Why?"

"We fixed the timeline. We have to know what happened in #98 for it all to make sense."

"I said I don't want to talk about it."

"We have to!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"Look you fucking asshole, I said no!"

"Say it!"

"No!"

"SAY IT!"

"Fine! It's this! Okay! It was this again! I've been trapped in a time loop you mother fucker!"

"And you want to see Snow again?"

"Yes! Anything! Just get me back to her!"

"Now?"

"YES!"

"Look right here."

"Where?"

BANG!

To be continued in DRAGONDARK ARCHIVE TRILOGY BOOK 3: THE WHITE ORB